The last few days have not been fun for me.
Nothing has been particularly different than the days preceding, but despite my best efforts, I have been feeling a lot of anxiety. Most of my discomfort comes from money, as it has been a big problem for me in the past. I think I've come to the conclusion that I hate money, or perhaps more accurately, I'm afraid of it (apparently, that's called Chrometophobia).
Not a deep or extreme fear or dislike, but enough to ruin my day. I know what you're thinking, "people without enough money tend to hate it," or possibly, "afraid of money? You're just afraid of making money."
Maybe you're not thinking that, but if you know me well enough, that's probably what you're thinking.
I've been doing my best to stay positive and keep my head above the water and by and large, I'm doing a decent job of it. I will probably have enough money to squeak by another month or two. This stuff tends to work out for me, either by luck or maybe just where my expectations are at. However, whenever I think I might not have enough to get by I start to panic. Worse still, when I DO get a lot of money, I fret over it. How I'm supposed to budget it? What I should use it for? Since there's a surplus maybe I should pay some people back? How can I make it last a long time? How long can I last on it? Things people think about every day. Paycheck to paycheck. So I guess I'm just a little (or a lot) unequipped to deal with money. Whether I have it or not, I'm always freaking out about it.
For a while I was doing pretty well with dealing with the anxiety. So well, in fact, that I'd nearly forgotten what it felt like. I was doing what I could, slowly figuring out how do change the more difficult things, and accepting and letting go of the things I had no control over. Suddenly, I looked at my overdraft credit card, phone bill, I had some runarounds and confusion with the bureaucracy (I realize it's important, but my tiny brain does not deal well with it) and it all came crashing back and I realized how fragile my mood is right now. I dealt with it a LOT better than I would have last year, but it was still a harsh reminder of the fact that I have a long, long way to go. The good part is, this time I'm willing to try and get there.
It's all reminding me that, while happiness has to come from within and can't possibly be found elsewhere, that means doing things outside of myself to fix my life, and that requires a tremendous amount of organization and effort on my part.
I've been coming back to this post a few times debating whether or not to leave a comment and what it should contain.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a student I would get so worked up about money I'd be sick to my stomach and dread figuring out how to make ends meet.
Ultimately I found personally that it was easier to deal with if I reminded myself that money was simply a means (only one of several), rather than an end. That the actual number was meaningless as long as I was alive and healthy.
Remembering that people who help you out choose to do so, and understand that it might not always be quickly returned, helps too. Not to say that debts should be forgotten, but good friends understand that sometimes you can't go out, or pay them back, or have to be a bit lame until things are more stable. That's par for the course when it comes to friendship at this stage in life.
For fear of seeming condescending (Especially on this subject, where I am no expert) I won't get into specific money management tips or anything. Suffice it to say, I understand how you feel and like you say: You're handling it better than you would have last year. That's progress to be proud of.
Now I'm terrified that this whole comment is going to come off sounding like a dick. I swear that's unintentional.
Hahaha, not at all.
ReplyDeleteThings have already started to pick up and my worries are being more or less sated. Just had to mentally step back and start over.