The Cosmic To-Do List

A little bit of a supplementary for the last entry. I had a comment from my sister and I was going to quickly answer in the comments section, but I feel as though this warrants some more careful consideration. So, Sarah's original quote was as follows:

"Not out of virtue or duty, but because this is another one of those contradictions. If one accepts and reaches out to people and remain unconcerned about having the same be given back to them, they will begin to feel a welling of happiness within them."

Do you suppose that this feeling of well-being springs from nowhere? Could it be possible that virtue and duty are in our nature and therefore give us feelings of well-being? A thing is best itself when it complies with its own nature. I think the virtue part is necessary, as it saves this magnanimity you speak of from being condescending and self righteous and prideful.
I love that prayer of Francis too (being a Franciscan)... Have you read his Canticle of the Sun? The language or ideas may first offend you but I am sure as you contemplate it you will love it!

Sarah:

I absolutely agree with you. Virtue and duty are very real and important things, but in being virtuous for the purpose of being a virtuous person I believe there is a danger of not just, as you say, being self-righteous but also of forgetting our nature. Similarly, doing things merely because they are your duty can lead to grudges and dissatisfaction. Putting names on positive qualities gives them a strict definition, which is good in many ways, but also makes them easier to corrupt and even easier to lose sight of what they really are. It's difficult for me to make sense of all this, because defining the attributes is a tricky and dangerous thing.

Virtue is close to the idea I'm trying to convey, but I feel like this nature is sort of inexplicable and even if I could explain it, then I would end up trying to pursue this explanation instead of the real thing. The closest thing I can say is that there are just Things You Do and Ways You Think that are either a part of your nature and therefore good for you (producing nice things like peace, happiness, satisfaction etc.) or they are contrary to it and will twist you in bad ways. It is my conviction that it is in our nature to be kind.

However, now arises the argument that we are all different emotionally, physically and even spiritually. Why on earth would our natures all be the same?

While it's true that there are no two people exactly the same, we all (typically) have bodies that function in the same. Our hearts pump blood through our bodies, our lungs take in oxygen, our livers cleanse our bodies of toxins. When one of these things stops working, we get sick and die.

I believe we are all different and that being different from each other is (sometimes) what makes this an interesting and beautiful world to live in (RAINBOWSBUNNIESSUNSHINELOVEPEACEHAPPINESS whew, I had to get that out of my system). However, much like the human body and it's organs I think we all have an underlying nature or "spiritual organs" if you will.

So there it is. I think.
I wrestled for a long time over how to end this entry but came up with nothing. Be well.

Wealth Woes

The last few days have not been fun for me.

Nothing has been particularly different than the days preceding, but despite my best efforts, I have been feeling a lot of anxiety. Most of my discomfort comes from money, as it has been a big problem for me in the past. I think I've come to the conclusion that I hate money, or perhaps more accurately, I'm afraid of it (apparently, that's called Chrometophobia).

Not a deep or extreme fear or dislike, but enough to ruin my day. I know what you're thinking, "people without enough money tend to hate it," or possibly, "afraid of money? You're just afraid of making money."

Maybe you're not thinking that, but if you know me well enough, that's probably what you're thinking.

I've been doing my best to stay positive and keep my head above the water and by and large, I'm doing a decent job of it. I will probably have enough money to squeak by another month or two. This stuff tends to work out for me, either by luck or maybe just where my expectations are at. However, whenever I think I might not have enough to get by I start to panic. Worse still, when I DO get a lot of money, I fret over it. How I'm supposed to budget it? What I should use it for? Since there's a surplus maybe I should pay some people back? How can I make it last a long time? How long can I last on it? Things people think about every day. Paycheck to paycheck. So I guess I'm just a little (or a lot) unequipped to deal with money. Whether I have it or not, I'm always freaking out about it.

For a while I was doing pretty well with dealing with the anxiety. So well, in fact, that I'd nearly forgotten what it felt like. I was doing what I could, slowly figuring out how do change the more difficult things, and accepting and letting go of the things I had no control over. Suddenly, I looked at my overdraft credit card, phone bill, I had some runarounds and confusion with the bureaucracy (I realize it's important, but my tiny brain does not deal well with it) and it all came crashing back and I realized how fragile my mood is right now. I dealt with it a LOT better than I would have last year, but it was still a harsh reminder of the fact that I have a long, long way to go. The good part is, this time I'm willing to try and get there.

It's all reminding me that, while happiness has to come from within and can't possibly be found elsewhere, that means doing things outside of myself to fix my life, and that requires a tremendous amount of organization and effort on my part.