Premature Pontification

This thing deserves a little preamble. Before I had decided to write a blog and was still wrestling with contradictory ideas and emotions, I decided to start jotting things down without thinking about them. Just getting some thoughts on paper. I then put it up on Facebook to see what people thought. The result was heavily inspired by, nigh ripping off (except poorly and more about being confused and less about being a lesbian, although perhaps I could write an entry about that as well), a chapter in Bear Bergman's book "Butch is a Noun". So there's that disclaimer right there, which means you're not allowed to yell at me if you've read the book, and if you haven't then go buy it and read it.

The response was pretty good (see: nobody shouted, anyways), and so then came the blog (something that, combined with the not-so-hardcore veganism, mild activism, meditation and adherence to ancient eastern philosophies, further solidified me as a dirty hippie and somebody I would have hated not three years ago. Seriously, as I am typing I am surrounded by candles and listening to droning Egyptian meditation music). I will include commentary afterwards, and I may have tweaked a few parts of the note to make it sound better (although it's still a bit awkward to read), without touching the ideas therein. So if you're still with me, I give you my first voluntary stab at writing from the heart, as it were:

Who I am speaks loudly, but thinks quietly.

Who I am is a genius. Except for when I’m not a genius. Which is never. Except when I’m being thick, which is most of the time. Especially when I’m thinking or speaking. Except when I’m thinking or saying clever things.

Who I am never cares what people think about me. Except for when I’m trying to impress them. Which is never, really, unless I like them. But then, if any fruitful friendship is to be had, then they should be equally impressed by me as I of them. So I should be impressive. Except not too much. I want to be myself. Except more impressive. But I still don’t care what people think.

Who I am is in complete control of myself at all times. So much in control, in fact, that I quit a bunch of things because I was out of control.

Laughter is an important part of who I am. I will do anything to make you laugh. Unless it makes me look stupid. I’ll never, ever attempt to look thick. Unless that will make you laugh.

Who I am speaks slowly, but thinks rapidly.

Who I am resents nothing in people. Nothing except resentment, that is. Also, I never gossip, except for when it’s out of concern; then I can say whatever I want.

Who I am is the kind of person that will always stand up for a woman. But only if they need it, and I’m not acting out of a false sense of chivalry. After all, they are strong and can stand up for themselves. Except of course, in the case that a woman wants somebody to stand up for them. Except of course, if, in certain situations I would only be serving to reinforce the stereotype of the damsel in distress. Except for when it is a damsel in distress. But that’s an outdated paradigm and who are you to presume what a woman is thinking anyways you insensitive prick. Except if you are a woman, and have a problem with any of what I just said, in which case I owe you an apology and I’m sorry.

Who I am can’t seem to learn enough. I can’t understand, and yet I interpret. I read about a billion things a day, but only little chunks of information on a plethora of different subjects. I misquote and misread to suit my own means and explanations. Except for when I’m sure of the meaning of something. Which is all the time. OK, I’m really sure of this one. I’m positive that I mean what I say unless it’s something I only sort of believe, so that I can get away with a certain philosophy or lifestyle. Except I’m really sure about my core beliefs, so a little skewing of the smaller details is totally fine, right? Also, I hate it when people don’t realize that not having strong knowledge on things makes their argument crumble.

Most importantly.

The truest, greatest thing about who I am.

I haven’t contradicted myself once.

So there it is. I rather liked it at the time, and still do to a certain extent. However, it would have been useless to me had it not been for a friend's comment. This friend of mine and I, we don't always see eye to eye, but there is a mutual respect for each others thinking. At least I think there is. I suppose I shouldn't speak on his behalf. The point is he's a very intelligent person, and after he had finished telling me I should write more, he said, "Now that you know all this about yourself, what comes next?"

I dismissed it, at first. Saying it was just a silly note and mostly a joke. However, he pressed.

"I agree that this isn't only about you, there are many ways of thinking that apply to all of us, however there are many expressions here that are deeply personal. After writing this and externalizing some of these ideas you probably have gained a deeper awareness of your own self. Do you make a conscious effort to become less contradictory, do you attempt to reconcile your own opposing nature, or do you do nothing and return to status quo?"

Goddammit, man. Then I had to think, and was since branded with a thought that wouldn't leave. A playful skepticism of some of the illusions in life. After all, most of what I wrote is about worrying what people think of you, or what kind of person you want to appear as. Since everybody has completely different preferences and opinions, this becomes an impossible balancing act. So I suppose the first step is to go back to the first point, and have a genuine lack of concern for how you are perceived; but then that depends on how you measure yourself as a person. Do you see your own worth through the acceptance of others?

Or, you could see none of these things as contradictory; that every thought process hinges on the conditions of your situation. Sometimes, it's impossible to see the correct way to behave/think, if there even IS a correct way.

I have since come to the tentative conclusion that, while I value friendship immensely, there are few instances where there is a definitive "correct" way to behave and that the only dependable thing in life is, in a sense, the intangible self. The self that is not concerned with being impressive, nor with finding love or acceptance. I also have found it is better to be accepting then to be accepted. Not out of virtue or duty, but because this is another one of those contradictions. If one accepts and reaches out to people and remain unconcerned about having the same be given back to them, they will begin to feel a welling of happiness within them.

Although I think we may have had something to say to each other with regards to terminology (I'm pretty sure we would have disagreed with what "Divine Master" and "Eternal Life" are), Saint Francis of Assisi said exactly what I am trying to say, only way better and hundreds of years ago:

Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.