Belief is Scary

So something I've kind of fibbed about is my comfort in my beliefs. I guess it's more of a fib of omission. You see, I'd been worried for a long time that despite my honesty with myself and what it is that I fundamentally believe in (the "what" at least; I'm still working on the "why"), there has been a terrifying thought in the back of my head that this is all a form of escapism. I worry that I have retreated from God and Society under a false pretense of enlightenment or a phoney spiritual pride that makes it OK to ignore the responsibilities of adulthood.

It's occurred to me that these fears are not unfounded. I believe that I am quite guilty of escapism in a few ways, but maybe not the ones I expected.

It hit me when I spotted something I disagreed with from one of my favourite philosophers, and was very distraught. Trying to justify it or figure out what it was he meant, because I must have been misunderstanding him. I was scared that I hadn't found the answer after all, after having come so far. I had also begun to worry about money yet again. After all that mental conditioning I've put myself through, after telling myself that it's all going to be OK, I still freak out and have panic attacks. All that work for nothing, it would seem.

Of course, the very same philosopher (once again, Alan MF-ing Watts makes another appearance in my ramblings) said, "To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float."

Herein lies the answer to those that accuse the "take the path of least resistance" approach as escapism. The mistake that is usually made is the misinterpretation that it means to give up, or be lazy. It is, in fact, escapism to not take that approach because to open yourself up to possibilities, to the harshness of life, and to the fact that no matter how much you learn, to matter how much you deliberate and contemplate, there is always the possibility that you are mistaken; it requires a commendable about of courage. What a terrifying beast doubt can be, and yet it's so fundamentally important to the search for truth. It is when doubt instead becomes this kind of faith that peace can be found, I think. Of course, that's something I still violently struggle with and it's a source of great frustration for me. It's hard to hold on to faith. Everybody knows that.

I had nearly forgotten that this faith is what pulled me out of that self-destructive mindset in the first place. How hilarious is it that it's the same thing that is now a new source of anxiety? The excitement of thinking about things from a new angle has worn off, meditation has become a routine (which I guess it's supposed to be) rather than a new and exciting exercise, and my beliefs are becoming just that: beliefs. Faith brings liberation, but beliefs become ingrained into your very being and eventually confusion when confronted by that faith you had at the beginning.

So, doubt became faith, which became belief, which became doubt again, and now I guess after this self-revelation I'm at the faith stage again. So how does one stop this strangling cycle and stay at the faith part? I wish I could be like the axle of a wheel; fixed in place and part of a whole, but unstuck to the machinations around it.